Thursday, 16 June 2011

The Paddington Ambush

   I'm really not sure where he comes up with this stuff, but Chuck Wendig's new flash fiction challeng is, well, gross and perverted. That's the only way to put it really. The story's a real charmer and it's based of a variant of the Ambush Paddington where you, well, just read the rest. You'll find out. 
    Hope you enjoy!
     You have to understand, I did it cause of a dare. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. At least, I think I wouldn’t have. I was pretty drunk that night. But my buddies dare me to do it, so what could I do? Like I said, it’s not my fault.
    Her name was Cindy or Sandy. Maybe Cathy? I dunno, something like that. Let’s just call her Stacey. She was fine though. Little blonde thing with a nice ass and...well I can’t remember the rest. But you get the picture right? Wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers. Anyways, we were dancing at the club, doing the bump and grind, and we go up to the bar for shots where we meet up with my buddy Andy. Somehow we got on the topic of what we for decorations in our bedrooms, and Stacey let it slip that she had a huge collection of stuffed animals. Andy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, and he pulls me over to the side with barely even an “excuse us for moment.”
    “Dude,”he said. “You totally got a chance to do the Ambush Paddington.”
    With the noise in the club I didn’t think I heard him right so I asked him to repeat.
    He laughs and explains what it was.
    “I dunno man,” I reply. “she seems like a nice girl.”
    “Dude,” he pleads. “Do it for the story.”
    I couldn’t argue with that; the story trumps everything in among bros. It’s like an H-bomb of  the bro code battles; you can’t beat it.      
    So I convince Stacey to take me back to her place, to ‘convince’ me that she actually does have all these stuffed animals. It’s a pretty shitty line, but it works out cause before I know it I’m in the pinkest, girliest, room I’ve ever been in. And she wasn’t kidding about the stuffed animals either. There were pink bears, red bears, brown bears, unicorns, pegasuses (pegasi?) all over the room. She blushed when she saw that my jaw was almost on the floor and led me over to her bed.    
    I won’t go into the details other than to re-assure you that my mojo kung fu was still in good shape, and we were dancing the horizontal mambo before you can say what what. I start getting to the point of no return and I look around to try to find just the right prop for the ‘Ambush.’ My eyes settle on this one bear that’s wearing a fedora and made up to be like he’s some kind of pulp detective. It’s perfect. Just as I’m about to bust a nut, I grab the bear, pull out and jizz all over it. White man-cream covers the bear’s jacket, face, and even his fedora.
    Stacey freaked out when she saw what I’d done, to say the least.
    “Oh my fucking God, you came on Mr. Bearsworth. You fucking piece of shit asshole. GET THE FUCK OUT!”
    I barely had time to put on my clothes before she threw me out of her place. It was only when I got outside that I remembered that I’d spent all my money at the club and didn’t have enough for a cab home. I kinda knew the area so I started hoofing it back to my place.
    While I was walking I kept getting this odd feeling at the back of my neck, like someone was watching me. I turned around a couple of times to try and see what it was, but I didn’t see anything. So I kept walking, kept hoofing it. At least I did, until up ahead of me I saw something that froze my blood. Propped on a bus stop bench was the bear. The exact same type of stuffed bear I’d just cum on, with the trenchcoat, fedora, and all that, was sitting on the bench and was facing me. I sped up my pace, tried to tell myself that I was hallucinating or just plain drunk. I passed the bear, and after a few more steps, I looked back. The bear had changed facing to continue staring at me. I shut my eyes, breathed long and deep and tried to tell myself that there was no way a fucking stuffed animal was following me. When I opened my eyes the bear was gone.

    Then the noises started. It started with a rustling to the left, right next to a clump of bushes. The
    I creeped over to the bushes, step by step, taking it slow, and stopped when I saw the top of a fedora sticking out. I panicked and broke into a run. I don’t know how long I ran for or how far, but I only stopped when I got to my apartment. My lungs practically collapsed trying to suck in as much air as I could. I fumbled with my keys for a few minutes as I tried to steady myself. I managed to get the door unlocked and opened. I rushed into the apartment building. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something small and furry scramble across the street. I slammed the door shut, made sure it was locked, then hurried as fast as I could up two floors and into my apartment proper. I stayed with my back to the door for a long time, and eventually I convinced myself that none of what I’d seen was real and that I just needed to go the fuck to sleep.

    I collapsed onto my bed and tried to forget this night. I was just about to nod off, when I heard a shuffling coming from across the hall. It was slow at first, but it seemed to speed up, get faster and faster. The noise finally stopped just outside my door.
    Then, I saw and heard the door creak open and the shuffling start up again, this time in my room.
    It was like being in a bad dream, a nightmare. My body was completely paralyzed with fear and the only thing I could move was my eyes. I saw the bear’s brown arm reach up and grab onto the side of the bed. It was followed by the other arm, and the bear pulled itself onto the bed. I couldn’t move, couldn’t react at all. My heart raced, seemed to beat a thousand times a second as I watched the bear amble towards me on legs that weren’t meant for walking or moving. I wanted to scream out at the top of my lungs, but nothing came.

    With a violent motion I didn’t even know a teddy bear could do it started tearing at the stitching around its crotch. The cotton stuffing started to burst out as the stitches gave way. The bear ripped some of the stuffing out of itself and hurled it in my face, getting it on my cheek, in my eyes, and up my nose.
    “THERE!”the bear screamed out. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE IT?”

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